I am an independent woman: enter Destiny's Child theme music "all the women who independent throw your hands up at me". And I'm proud to be an independent woman. I honestly don't mind killing bugs, lawn work or taking out the trash but there are a few things in life that I am glad to say I can do alone but would be just fine never doing again. Let's go through the list...
Flipping a mattress. Reason #3,756 that sometimes it sucks to be single and/or live alone sometimes. Please tell me some of you have tried this? It is damn near impossible and you will knock over your bedside table lamp at least once. You will also have a brief moment of panic when you find yourself with the mattress across your back and no leverage where your body is smashed between the pillowtop and your box springs and you will think to yourself "Is this how it happens? Death by mattress?" and wonder how many days it will take for someone to find you and wish you would have worn your cute pajamas last night instead of your favorite oversized holey tshirt and granny panties. Dammit.
Building anything from Ikea. I think the people that write assembly directions for Ikea are seriously twisted and find sick pleasure in knowing that when they leave the picture of that one screw out on the first page of directions or mysteriously jump from step 4 to 7 they are mind-fucking innocent people. Honestly, has anyone ever successfully built anything from Ikea requiring four steps or more without wanting to shoot someone in the face? I highly doubt it. You better be mentally prepared and well-rested before you take on anything Ikea and I believe it is unsafe to do alone which is why putting together furniture is reason #2,482. This one is risky though so be careful. If you do attempt this alone, it is equal to 30 days of solitary confinement where you are alone with your thoughts and as much as you tell yourself you aren't crazy when after the seventh try those pieces still don't fit together but it looks JUST LIKE THE PICTURE you know you have gone mad. Literally. Honestly, you will need some Xanax and perhaps an anti-psychotic nearby in this instance. On the other hand, I'm not sure on the statistics but I'd venture to say building Ikea furniture with a husband, boyfriend, sibling, parent or friend has resulted in divorce, break ups, falling outs, emancipation and murder. Seriously.
Moving. Myself and three of my girlfriends once moved two apartments to one house all by ourselves. We moved everything with just the four of us. Dressers, couches and even an antique buffet. Yay us. But NEVER AGAIN. It still baffles me how incredibly sore you can be after a big move and what is up with all the scratches and bruises all over your legs and arms from the boxes? Geez! And not a good look! So, single or attached, chuck some money at it and be done with it. There is a reason there are professional movers in this world so let the experts be experts and move your shit for you. Amen.
Getting something down from the attic. Is it just a girl thing or do guys hate the attic as well? While single, I try to refrain from a) putting anything up in the attic so I can avoid b) getting anything down from the attic. It might be the worst household chore on the entire list. Did I mention I hate the attic? You may be wondering why so much disdain for the attic. Well, think about it. It usually requires crawling up a very unsteady ladder that may or may not properly swing down from the ceiling and makes a funny noise every time you take a step. Then crawling around in a dark, cramped, totally awkward space on your hands and knees or standing all hunched over to avoid hitting your head. All while carrying a flashlight most likely unless you are lucky enough to have an attic light which you will probably never find because you rarely go up to the attic and have forgotten where it is. And finally, never finding what you went up to the attick to look for in the first place. What a waste! Anyway, I long for the day when I can ask someone else to please "get blah blah blah down from the attic" or whatever other creepy space I might have like a garage closet, shed or unfinished basement.
Going to Home Depot. Reason #1,275. As soon as I enter, I empathize with every man who has ever walked into an Ulta or Sephora unaccompanied. I have literally not a clue what most of the things inside are or what they would be used for. Plus, I feel as if most people are staring at me and laughing inside at my visable stuper. Luckily, there are big signs that can point me in the right direction - Lumber (yeah right), Electrical (are you kidding?), Lighting (this is where light bulbs will be, no?), etc. Did I recently walk in and head straight to Flooring where I had a nice man cut me a 30'x6' piece of contractor carpet padding and artificial turf? Yes, I did. Did I enjoy it? No, I did not. This type of thing can gladly go on my man's Honey-Do list one day. No offense, but Sianara HD.
Getting my oil changed. Actually, I've gotten pretty used to doing this by myself and feel pretty comfortable with it. But at first, I think it's terrifying. Similar to Home Depot, these guys are talking a mile a minute about a bunch of crap I don't understand or care about honestly but I'm here because my Dad always told me to be sure to get my oil changed every 3 months and now the sticker says it's been 6 months. First, you have to drive in the garage and align your car over the open space in the ground. I'm willing to bet many of you have not mastered this skill either. So there you are, with all the men staring at you, turning your wheels left to right and back again trying not to run over anything. It is pure torture. Then you wait inside until the inevitable happens - the dude comes in to show you the air filter. Yes, it looks dirty but how dirty is normal and how dirty is problematic? How am I to know? And he may also want to show you the color of one of your cars many fluids. Again, yes the brake fluid looks brown but it has been hanging out inside a car for years, correct? In those circunstances, brown seems like a pretty typical color to me. You finally get the hell out of there, fully stocked with free windshield wiper fluid, and hopefully without having been pressured into spending more than the $39.95 oil change coupon was worth but most likely secretly worrying that your car might blow up since you didn't flush your engine like they recommended. Damn you Grease Monkey. Until we meet again.
Changing A Tire. So, I can name a few times I've had to do this and luckily I've always had another femme fetale on hand to assist. Once was in the rain, on a California highway on the way back from wine country with my friends Wendy & Kristin. The lug wrench was not working so well and I recall Wendy and I both STANDING on the bars trying to get it to rotate. I believe that ended with about 3 hours at a Round Robin restaurant waiting for a local auto shop to replace the tire. Super awesome. Another incident happened at my sisters in her apartment complex parking lot. Better conditions than roadside in the rain for sure but still a daunting task. I'm 99% certain that the jack for my car sucks ass as it never seems to jack the car up enough (surely it can't be user error, right?) and as I'm laying on the ground trying to force it up just a few more inches a gentleman walks by and instead of stopping to lend a hand he sarcastically snarks "I would move my legs out from under that car in case it falls" as he whizzes by us on his way to his car. Well, thank you kind sir. I'm so relieved that chivalry is not dead. My hero. Shout out to the maintenance guy who DID stop to help us complete with bringing a bigger, better jack. And finally, the most recent incident didn't involve changing a tire but rather using a tire pump on a rainy Sunday (what is it with me, tires and rain!?!?!) in arguably the most sketchy part of downtown dallas. Two words - Double Wide. You locals get my drift. Another shout out to the guys at Auto Zone for recommending a stellar tire pump that now lives in the back of my car for emergencies and my Discount Tire dudes for flirting with me and giving me a great deal on new tires (oh yeah, they had been slashed. Awesome). I think I've made my point. Changing/Pumping/Buying tires super sucks. Reason #4,951.
So in summary: Yes, I can DO all of these things but I don't wanna! All the ladies who truly feel me throw your hands up at me!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
F&#$ing Sunday: Turning Sunday into Funday
"There is something about a Sunday night that makes you want to kill yourself". This was a quote I stole from the one and only season of the acclaimed TV show "My So Called Life" (which introduced us to Claire Danes and Jared Leto - thank you!). The meaning of that quote has shifted considerably over the years. Back then, it was about the imminent end to the weekend and having to face the halls of high school the following Monday. As I've entered my 30's, it is because Sunday is the lonliest day for a single person. And I can hear all of my coupled up friends out there thinking "it doesn't have to be" so let me assure you. Yes, yes it is. It's typically family or couple day where people run errands, go to church, cook dinner, play with their kids, work around the house, go for walks, etc. A single person can do these things too - ALONE. And if you do venture out on any given Sunday you will be faced with couples and families at every turn taunting and reminding you that you will be going home to cook your single chicken breast and asparagus by yourself :-). Most likely with a bottle of wine. Enter silver lining: it's all for you!
NOW - there is a way to turn that frown upside down and turn Sunday into Funday. RALLY THE TROOPS! For my fellow singles you know this is rule numero uno in your time of need as sometimes you just need another butt on the couch next to you to fill the space, right? Whether you plan a productive DIY Sunday worthy of Frank the Tank in the movie Old School - "pretty nice little Sunday, going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time" or you plan on laying by the pool reading 50 Shades of Grey with some bubbly (don't judge). Bring a friend, or two or three, and enjoy your Sunday. It IS possible.
Recently, a group of us "singles" started what we now call Family Dinner every Sunday evening. The host makes a main dish while anyone in town and available brings a side. And of course there is wine. It's a no fuss way to spend your Sunday evening and we don't usually even turn on the TV. We chat about our weeks and weekends, share dating disasters or stories of exciting new prospects, and talk about work and life and The Bachelorette if we want to. So wherever you are - rally your troops and create your own family. It's a great way to end the weekend and start the week!
Unfortunately, there is no cure for Sunday nights sucking if you have to go back to work on Monday. Sorry!
NOW - there is a way to turn that frown upside down and turn Sunday into Funday. RALLY THE TROOPS! For my fellow singles you know this is rule numero uno in your time of need as sometimes you just need another butt on the couch next to you to fill the space, right? Whether you plan a productive DIY Sunday worthy of Frank the Tank in the movie Old School - "pretty nice little Sunday, going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time" or you plan on laying by the pool reading 50 Shades of Grey with some bubbly (don't judge). Bring a friend, or two or three, and enjoy your Sunday. It IS possible.
Recently, a group of us "singles" started what we now call Family Dinner every Sunday evening. The host makes a main dish while anyone in town and available brings a side. And of course there is wine. It's a no fuss way to spend your Sunday evening and we don't usually even turn on the TV. We chat about our weeks and weekends, share dating disasters or stories of exciting new prospects, and talk about work and life and The Bachelorette if we want to. So wherever you are - rally your troops and create your own family. It's a great way to end the weekend and start the week!
Unfortunately, there is no cure for Sunday nights sucking if you have to go back to work on Monday. Sorry!
My Rules for Online Dating. Guys, Listen Up!
So, I've tried online dating twice. Once with Match and once with eHarmony and this is my take on it. Online dating is a GREAT way to get back out there. If you just want to date - it's perfect. You can seriously have a date every night of the week if you want to so it's the perfect way to get back in the saddle if you have been out of practice and perfect your getting to know you chatting skills, ease your nerves and just meet some new people.
With that said, it can be overwhelming, especially for women. You have to stay on top of it or it will really get out of hand and then you won't know where to start. You are getting daily emails of your matches but then may be receiving personal emails from guys who already have an interest. Then if you follow the progression the sites suggest you are emailing back and forth for a while so it can become alot quickly if you don't keep up with it. So you kind of have to look at it like looking for a job and commit time every day for "dating".
The whole matching process still baffles me. eHarmony is probably the most well-known for their required in-depth personality survey which is supposed to help the matching process. I'm not really buying it as I received a match once whose occupation was "Street Pharmacist". For those of you who haven't put two and two together yet, let me translate. Drug Dealer. Uh yeah, how did you let that one slip through the cracks EH? I met a lot of guys but not of the quality I was hoping and didn't feel that the very complicated matching process they apparently have was helpful to me.
I feel Men need a little help building their profiles as here are some observations I made during my time online:
With that said, it can be overwhelming, especially for women. You have to stay on top of it or it will really get out of hand and then you won't know where to start. You are getting daily emails of your matches but then may be receiving personal emails from guys who already have an interest. Then if you follow the progression the sites suggest you are emailing back and forth for a while so it can become alot quickly if you don't keep up with it. So you kind of have to look at it like looking for a job and commit time every day for "dating".
The whole matching process still baffles me. eHarmony is probably the most well-known for their required in-depth personality survey which is supposed to help the matching process. I'm not really buying it as I received a match once whose occupation was "Street Pharmacist". For those of you who haven't put two and two together yet, let me translate. Drug Dealer. Uh yeah, how did you let that one slip through the cracks EH? I met a lot of guys but not of the quality I was hoping and didn't feel that the very complicated matching process they apparently have was helpful to me.
I feel Men need a little help building their profiles as here are some observations I made during my time online:
- If you want to avoid being confused with someone on Dateline's: To Catch a Predator then don't take a creepy cell phone picture of you not smiling in your bathroom mirror. This look does not help you.
- A personal choice of mine, but avoid wearing bedazzled shirts, jeans, shoes, belts, hats. Let's just say avoid the bedazzler. Thanks, but no thanks.
- Per #2, if you have on an Affliction or Ed Hardy shirt in any of your pictures I'm out. Sorry, but Mike "The Situation" of Jersey Shore took me over the edge on this one. Can't do it guys.
- Let's talk photos. I want to know what YOU look like - not your friends or the scenery from your last trip. Therefore, if all of your pictures are of groups of guys then I have to play my own game of "Where's Waldo" to figure out which one you are. Not fun fellas. Get some solo shots.
- The picture with you and your niece/nephew/best friends kid or your grandmother is SO cliche. You don't have to try to sell us that you love kids and grandmas. It's too much. Dial it down.
- If my profile states that I'm looking for someone between 30-40 with no kids then please don't email me if you are a 47 year-old father of four. Stick to the profile please.
- If all of your hobbies and interests deal with sci-fi or fantasy then I'm probably not your girl. Perhaps there is a Lord Of The Rings inspired online dating site better suited for you? I'm sure there is.
- Follow the process. Use the questions, email and then talk on the phone at least once before agreeing to meet. Ask me sometime about when I didn't phone screen and ended up on the most uncomfortable first date ever. I think the dude was a mute.
- Get creative with your questions. The canned ones are fine but ask what you really want to know. What did they do last weekend? Who is their best friend? When was the last time they saw family? What is on their top 10 played songs on their Ipod? Are they a serial killer? Do they have any weird fetishes?
- Always meet on the first date and make it for drinks. You don't know this person so definitely meet them somewhere neutral and only make it for drinks so if it goes badly you can have one drink and split. Never commit to dinner for a first date.
- Forget the online thing. Remember, you met them online too so they took the plunge as well. Who cares how you met? Just go with it.
- With that said, beware of the guys who are strictly online to fish for girls. You can tell pretty quickly who is there to just meet girls and who is there to meet someone special. Keep your eye out for these guys and avoid if you can.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Where Is He? I'm Exhausted!
If you are a SATC fan then you recognize the title of this post. Charlotte's rant about being tired of dating has become all to familiar to me lately. Yes, dating can be very fun and exciting and I'm sure my friends are appreciative of the stories I bring back from some of my dating disasters as dating can be quite entertaining as well. But if you are really looking for love - it's freaking exhausting!
I thought I'd use this post to highlight some of my most interesting and I guess you could say memorable dating experiences. Enjoy!
Doogie Howser
I met Doogie (not his real name but I love nicknames) online. Seemed nice enough and we chatted for a while and when I got very sick while we were still in the chatting phase he even called in a Zpac and prescription cough drops for me which was a lifesaver. Once we got on the date it was a disaster. This kid was SO into himself. He told me not one, not two, but THREE stories about how he "almost died". Who has that many near-death experience? It was a little bit of overkill. Then when he learned I had skipped second grade he tried to one up me and said his parents wanted him to skip 1st-4th grade. I laughed of course and mumbled "okay Doogie" and when I looked up at him he was dead serious. Needless to say I was ready to get the H out of there. I did and when he stalker texted me the next day I gave him my obligitory "Nice to meet you but I just don't think the chemistry is there. Good luck to you!" in which he replied "Well, I didn't feel anything either but just thought I would give it one more chance". Nice buddy but no dice. Peace out.
No Dinner For You
This was another online guy and he was actually a really sweet guy. The problem occured on Date #3. Let me preface this by saying that the other dates were fine, but just fine, I wasn't really feeling much chemistry with him but since he was a good guy I wanted to give it a chance. Date #3 was a Rangers game which was a super fun idea. We met at a bar beforehand for some drinks and then drove over to the stadium together. We met at about 5pm so I assumed we would be eating at the game. Was I wrong! Inning 3 turnes to Inning 5 turns to Inning 7 and there has been no mention of food! Now, I'm not opposed to just getting something on my own but he was buying all the beers and it just seemed weird. It seemed even weirder when he returned with peanuts and proceeded to sit there and eat the whole thing without EVER offering me any! If you know me, I can get grumpy when I am really hungry so this was not good. Needless to say, I didn't go out with him again. Mama needs to be fed!
Whoops. I'm Married
This was a disaster and a half. I met this guy at a wedding. We were both in it as he was a good friend of the Grooms and I was the Maid of Honor. We all knew he was recently divorced and didn't exactly have the greatest track record but he was very intriguing and showing interest so I said why not? We dated for a few months - there was much drama that transpired as this guy's life was all over the place - but I wasn't taking things too seriously so no biggie. Come to find out, actually by the Groom after some digging, he was STILL MARRIED! Apparently, they weren't "together" and he had moved out but there had been no movements toward divorce. When confronted, he said he thought he would share that with me when we got more serious. HA. I reminded him that he took away my choice to not date a married man! It was done at that moment and the man still acted stupified when I asked if he was legally separated. I believe his words were "What's that". Seriously. So apparenly now I can add the mistress knotch on my belt. Dammit.
Strip Club Cowboy
Another online dating disaster. This guy worked for the Cowboys which I will admit was part of the intrigue to meeting him. First off, he did NOT look like his pictures which is always a little alarming but I was going to give it a chance. So yes it was cool that he worked for the Cowboys and boy did he think so. He was incredibly cocky and the icing on the cake was when he told me he was the type of guy that liked to be "texting his girl while at the titty bar". True story. Apparently, his travels with the Cowboys take him to many a strip club so I assume this was his attempt into telling me what a loyal boyfriend he could be. Gross. The date ended shortly thereafter. Save those texts for some other girl Cowboy.
Sextaholic
This was a guy where I thought I'd handled things really well. We talked for a long, long time and finally went on a date. It was fantastic - he was a gentleman, we had great conversation, a top night. Things started to slow down after that until he started dropping hints that he wanted to heat things up a little in our texts. Now, I've dabbled in sexting but typically with someone I was dating and had experiences with so I found sexting someone I hadn't even kissed a bit odd - almost online chat room creepy - but I tried. If only Fifty Shades of Gray had been out as perhaps Christian & Ana would have given me some confidence :-). So I tried and was never really comfortable with it but I could tell he liked it. Then one Friday, I'm driving along and hear my phone go off. I pick it up (at a stoplight of course) to see something I was not prepared to see. Sextaholic had sent an unsolicited picture of himself making a what I'm sure he thought was sexy but I viewed as more To Catch A Predator face, his shirt lifted and his little friend was the main attraction. I was APPALLED. I know this is a thing for some people and I am all for you and your sexual freedom but it completely freaked me out and I threw my phone across the car in shock. When I told him I was not into the sexting his reply was simple: "Yeah, I could always tell you were a good girl and that is not really what I'm looking for right now. I just don't have the desire to be romantic, caring or loving right now." WOW. Now, I don't have a problem with someone just wanting to have fun being single but I take issue with you trying to woo me for two months, being all sweet and romantic, and then you flip a switch and it's like we are living in a porno. No thanks buddy. You go do you and I'll stick to smiley face texts instead of penis pics.
Facebook Stalker
I'm sure you can relate. You get a random friend request on FaceBook and aren't exactly who the person is but then you see that you are mutual friends with a few people and think perhaps you met briefly at a bar or party once so you "Accept" and become Friends. This has happened to me multiple times and is always very innocent but I'll think twice next time and maybe you will too after you hear this story. FB Stalker told me we had met at a bar once - he said I looked really familiar. I did my background check with our mutual friends and they went to high school with him but don't really know him anymore but they said he was a normal, decent guy. We chatted for a while on FB and then the phone and eventually went on a date. He was very nice, complimentary, etc. but after date #1 I wasn't sure there was any chemistry but would consider giving him another chance. During the week of our second date some things started bothering me - when he would call I would answer and he would be in the middle of a conversation with someone else at work or something. I'd sit there saying his name and "hello?" and then he would laugh and say "Oh, I'm sorry, hey!". I would think to myself YOU called ME, remember? It happened every single time he called and was annoying and quite honestly rude. It was like he was trying to come off as super cool and busy. Fast forward to date #2. Dinner. To sum it up - decent conversation, he forgot his wallet so I PAID, and then he gave me an awkward side hug. Okay buddy, you are done. So as we are ending it he is asking me about my weekend plans and I tell him that I am literally booked up (which is true - crazy, busy weekend). I even tell him the specifics - arts event with my girlfriends Friday night, birthday party in Frisco during the day and probably into the evening on Saturday, and Sunday plans as well. I tell him we can talk after the weekend. Friday night I'm out with my girlfriends and I see I have a voicemail - "Hey, it's me. Just seeing what you were up to. I'm in your neighborhood and thought I could stop by". Hello? Does he not remember I'm out with my girlfriends. I TOLD him what I was doing. Annoying! So I text back and say just that - "remember, out with my friends tonight. Have a good one." I'm enjoying my tea on my couch Saturday morning when my phone rings and it is him....AGAIN. Let me also tell you it is 8:30am. Another VM - "Hey, it's me. Just wondering if you wanted to hang out today. It's so nice, we could get lunch and go play golf. Blah Blah Blah". Again I'm wondering if the man listened to anything I said the other night. I had plans ALL DAY. Annoying x2. This continued all day with him calling me non-stop every few hours, which I ignored, and then again on Sunday. Stalker, what? I then had to send him my standard thanks but no thanks text message and end it. In my few encounters with him I asked him more questions about where we met and how we knew each other and now I'm fairly certain we did not know each other in any way, shape or form. So beware ladies - that seemingly harmless guy who wants to be your "Friend" may not know you at all and may use FB as a way to scope out pretty girls. This is my warning to you! Full background checks required for all Friend Requests :-).
Now if you aren't exhausted after reading this then you must qualify as an Olympian dater. Yes, I'm exhausted but they make for good stories and you gotta kiss (or sext) alot of frogs before you find your Prince!
I thought I'd use this post to highlight some of my most interesting and I guess you could say memorable dating experiences. Enjoy!
Doogie Howser
I met Doogie (not his real name but I love nicknames) online. Seemed nice enough and we chatted for a while and when I got very sick while we were still in the chatting phase he even called in a Zpac and prescription cough drops for me which was a lifesaver. Once we got on the date it was a disaster. This kid was SO into himself. He told me not one, not two, but THREE stories about how he "almost died". Who has that many near-death experience? It was a little bit of overkill. Then when he learned I had skipped second grade he tried to one up me and said his parents wanted him to skip 1st-4th grade. I laughed of course and mumbled "okay Doogie" and when I looked up at him he was dead serious. Needless to say I was ready to get the H out of there. I did and when he stalker texted me the next day I gave him my obligitory "Nice to meet you but I just don't think the chemistry is there. Good luck to you!" in which he replied "Well, I didn't feel anything either but just thought I would give it one more chance". Nice buddy but no dice. Peace out.
No Dinner For You
This was another online guy and he was actually a really sweet guy. The problem occured on Date #3. Let me preface this by saying that the other dates were fine, but just fine, I wasn't really feeling much chemistry with him but since he was a good guy I wanted to give it a chance. Date #3 was a Rangers game which was a super fun idea. We met at a bar beforehand for some drinks and then drove over to the stadium together. We met at about 5pm so I assumed we would be eating at the game. Was I wrong! Inning 3 turnes to Inning 5 turns to Inning 7 and there has been no mention of food! Now, I'm not opposed to just getting something on my own but he was buying all the beers and it just seemed weird. It seemed even weirder when he returned with peanuts and proceeded to sit there and eat the whole thing without EVER offering me any! If you know me, I can get grumpy when I am really hungry so this was not good. Needless to say, I didn't go out with him again. Mama needs to be fed!
Whoops. I'm Married
This was a disaster and a half. I met this guy at a wedding. We were both in it as he was a good friend of the Grooms and I was the Maid of Honor. We all knew he was recently divorced and didn't exactly have the greatest track record but he was very intriguing and showing interest so I said why not? We dated for a few months - there was much drama that transpired as this guy's life was all over the place - but I wasn't taking things too seriously so no biggie. Come to find out, actually by the Groom after some digging, he was STILL MARRIED! Apparently, they weren't "together" and he had moved out but there had been no movements toward divorce. When confronted, he said he thought he would share that with me when we got more serious. HA. I reminded him that he took away my choice to not date a married man! It was done at that moment and the man still acted stupified when I asked if he was legally separated. I believe his words were "What's that". Seriously. So apparenly now I can add the mistress knotch on my belt. Dammit.
Strip Club Cowboy
Another online dating disaster. This guy worked for the Cowboys which I will admit was part of the intrigue to meeting him. First off, he did NOT look like his pictures which is always a little alarming but I was going to give it a chance. So yes it was cool that he worked for the Cowboys and boy did he think so. He was incredibly cocky and the icing on the cake was when he told me he was the type of guy that liked to be "texting his girl while at the titty bar". True story. Apparently, his travels with the Cowboys take him to many a strip club so I assume this was his attempt into telling me what a loyal boyfriend he could be. Gross. The date ended shortly thereafter. Save those texts for some other girl Cowboy.
Sextaholic
This was a guy where I thought I'd handled things really well. We talked for a long, long time and finally went on a date. It was fantastic - he was a gentleman, we had great conversation, a top night. Things started to slow down after that until he started dropping hints that he wanted to heat things up a little in our texts. Now, I've dabbled in sexting but typically with someone I was dating and had experiences with so I found sexting someone I hadn't even kissed a bit odd - almost online chat room creepy - but I tried. If only Fifty Shades of Gray had been out as perhaps Christian & Ana would have given me some confidence :-). So I tried and was never really comfortable with it but I could tell he liked it. Then one Friday, I'm driving along and hear my phone go off. I pick it up (at a stoplight of course) to see something I was not prepared to see. Sextaholic had sent an unsolicited picture of himself making a what I'm sure he thought was sexy but I viewed as more To Catch A Predator face, his shirt lifted and his little friend was the main attraction. I was APPALLED. I know this is a thing for some people and I am all for you and your sexual freedom but it completely freaked me out and I threw my phone across the car in shock. When I told him I was not into the sexting his reply was simple: "Yeah, I could always tell you were a good girl and that is not really what I'm looking for right now. I just don't have the desire to be romantic, caring or loving right now." WOW. Now, I don't have a problem with someone just wanting to have fun being single but I take issue with you trying to woo me for two months, being all sweet and romantic, and then you flip a switch and it's like we are living in a porno. No thanks buddy. You go do you and I'll stick to smiley face texts instead of penis pics.
Facebook Stalker
I'm sure you can relate. You get a random friend request on FaceBook and aren't exactly who the person is but then you see that you are mutual friends with a few people and think perhaps you met briefly at a bar or party once so you "Accept" and become Friends. This has happened to me multiple times and is always very innocent but I'll think twice next time and maybe you will too after you hear this story. FB Stalker told me we had met at a bar once - he said I looked really familiar. I did my background check with our mutual friends and they went to high school with him but don't really know him anymore but they said he was a normal, decent guy. We chatted for a while on FB and then the phone and eventually went on a date. He was very nice, complimentary, etc. but after date #1 I wasn't sure there was any chemistry but would consider giving him another chance. During the week of our second date some things started bothering me - when he would call I would answer and he would be in the middle of a conversation with someone else at work or something. I'd sit there saying his name and "hello?" and then he would laugh and say "Oh, I'm sorry, hey!". I would think to myself YOU called ME, remember? It happened every single time he called and was annoying and quite honestly rude. It was like he was trying to come off as super cool and busy. Fast forward to date #2. Dinner. To sum it up - decent conversation, he forgot his wallet so I PAID, and then he gave me an awkward side hug. Okay buddy, you are done. So as we are ending it he is asking me about my weekend plans and I tell him that I am literally booked up (which is true - crazy, busy weekend). I even tell him the specifics - arts event with my girlfriends Friday night, birthday party in Frisco during the day and probably into the evening on Saturday, and Sunday plans as well. I tell him we can talk after the weekend. Friday night I'm out with my girlfriends and I see I have a voicemail - "Hey, it's me. Just seeing what you were up to. I'm in your neighborhood and thought I could stop by". Hello? Does he not remember I'm out with my girlfriends. I TOLD him what I was doing. Annoying! So I text back and say just that - "remember, out with my friends tonight. Have a good one." I'm enjoying my tea on my couch Saturday morning when my phone rings and it is him....AGAIN. Let me also tell you it is 8:30am. Another VM - "Hey, it's me. Just wondering if you wanted to hang out today. It's so nice, we could get lunch and go play golf. Blah Blah Blah". Again I'm wondering if the man listened to anything I said the other night. I had plans ALL DAY. Annoying x2. This continued all day with him calling me non-stop every few hours, which I ignored, and then again on Sunday. Stalker, what? I then had to send him my standard thanks but no thanks text message and end it. In my few encounters with him I asked him more questions about where we met and how we knew each other and now I'm fairly certain we did not know each other in any way, shape or form. So beware ladies - that seemingly harmless guy who wants to be your "Friend" may not know you at all and may use FB as a way to scope out pretty girls. This is my warning to you! Full background checks required for all Friend Requests :-).
Now if you aren't exhausted after reading this then you must qualify as an Olympian dater. Yes, I'm exhausted but they make for good stories and you gotta kiss (or sext) alot of frogs before you find your Prince!
To Text or Not To Text?
My friends and I were recently discussing how texting has changed the game. Social media as surged us light years ahead of the Mad Men days and in some ways that is good (I thank my lucky stars that I don't have to wear a corset and nylons every day and have more career options than housewife and secretary) HOWEVER let's face it - chivalry has been slowly disappearing year by year and now it's a damn miracle if you can get a guy to actually, imagine it, PICK UP THE PHONE and CALL YOU. Before texting, remind me how we communicated?
Let's disect a recent texting conversation...
He Who Only Texts: Hey
Me: Hey there, how are you?
4 hours later......
He Who Only Texts: Busy with work. What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Boo work. Happy Hour with a friend on Friday and then Saturday pool. You?
He Who Only Texts: Not sure yet. Gotta get some stuff done on my house.
Me: Good for you!
2 days later....Friday 4pm.
He Who Only Texts: Hey
Me: Hey
He Who Only Texts: What are you doing?
Me: About to leave work. Yay!
He Who Only Texts: Wanna meet for Happy Hour?
Me: Remember, I already have happy hour plans. Sorry!
He Who Only Texts: :-(
Me: I could do a late dinner?
SILENCE.
Really? REALLY? Reeeeeaaaaalllllly? Let's start with the fact that he starts a conversation but never ends one. Secondly, ask me what I'm doing this weekend and don't ask me out OR text me until Friday at 4pm? WTF? And finally, did you not listen, er, I mean READ, what I was doing this weekend in the first place? So how would this have gone different if the dude had actually called? A) perhaps he would have caught what my current weekend plans were since we were having a conversation instead of him not reading a text while he was multi-tasking watching ESPN or manscaping. B) if he would have called on Friday we could have talked about a back up plan to hang out later that night or later that weekend.
Point is: Texting changes the game! It relieves the guy of any accountability for communication or planning. They can ask you to hang out Wednesday and say they will text you and then let Wednesday come and go and the next time you hear from them is a "You up?" "You out?" series of drunk texts on Saturday night. Again I say WTF?
In perfect timing, a friend sent me one of those "10 Rules for Dating" articles which I typically read and say yeah, yeah, yeah but this time, this time it may have changed my life! Rule #5 was "And speaking of texting...don't". Don't get caught in the texting trap! Don't become the girl who has an hour long conversation via text becuase then he will never pick up the phone! You'll become the text girl. Does anyone else see the light bulb over your head or like Oprah realize you are having an "ah ha" moment? My lightbulb is screaming YOU ARE THE TEXT GIRL. Well, crap.
So with that I will lend you the advice of the column which says we should never text the guy first, not even to say hi. Don't ever initiate a text or call ever and see how that changes when you meet someone new. I challenge you ladies. It's hard and especially if you've hit the bottle that night, haha, but you can do it! Just add it to your list of rules - side salad instead of fries and DON'T TEXT.
Carrie Bradshaw didn't text. Hell, Carrie Bradshaw didn't even have a cell phone!
Let's disect a recent texting conversation...
He Who Only Texts: Hey
Me: Hey there, how are you?
4 hours later......
He Who Only Texts: Busy with work. What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Boo work. Happy Hour with a friend on Friday and then Saturday pool. You?
He Who Only Texts: Not sure yet. Gotta get some stuff done on my house.
Me: Good for you!
2 days later....Friday 4pm.
He Who Only Texts: Hey
Me: Hey
He Who Only Texts: What are you doing?
Me: About to leave work. Yay!
He Who Only Texts: Wanna meet for Happy Hour?
Me: Remember, I already have happy hour plans. Sorry!
He Who Only Texts: :-(
Me: I could do a late dinner?
SILENCE.
Really? REALLY? Reeeeeaaaaalllllly? Let's start with the fact that he starts a conversation but never ends one. Secondly, ask me what I'm doing this weekend and don't ask me out OR text me until Friday at 4pm? WTF? And finally, did you not listen, er, I mean READ, what I was doing this weekend in the first place? So how would this have gone different if the dude had actually called? A) perhaps he would have caught what my current weekend plans were since we were having a conversation instead of him not reading a text while he was multi-tasking watching ESPN or manscaping. B) if he would have called on Friday we could have talked about a back up plan to hang out later that night or later that weekend.
Point is: Texting changes the game! It relieves the guy of any accountability for communication or planning. They can ask you to hang out Wednesday and say they will text you and then let Wednesday come and go and the next time you hear from them is a "You up?" "You out?" series of drunk texts on Saturday night. Again I say WTF?
In perfect timing, a friend sent me one of those "10 Rules for Dating" articles which I typically read and say yeah, yeah, yeah but this time, this time it may have changed my life! Rule #5 was "And speaking of texting...don't". Don't get caught in the texting trap! Don't become the girl who has an hour long conversation via text becuase then he will never pick up the phone! You'll become the text girl. Does anyone else see the light bulb over your head or like Oprah realize you are having an "ah ha" moment? My lightbulb is screaming YOU ARE THE TEXT GIRL. Well, crap.
So with that I will lend you the advice of the column which says we should never text the guy first, not even to say hi. Don't ever initiate a text or call ever and see how that changes when you meet someone new. I challenge you ladies. It's hard and especially if you've hit the bottle that night, haha, but you can do it! Just add it to your list of rules - side salad instead of fries and DON'T TEXT.
Carrie Bradshaw didn't text. Hell, Carrie Bradshaw didn't even have a cell phone!
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