Life Would Just Be Easier with a Boyfriend

To preface this story, this is the post-wedding single bridesmaid vent that I'm sure we have all done at some point. It is in no way meant to disrespect any of my wonderful, beautiful friends weddings that I have been SO very blessed to be a part of and would not trade for the world! Please know I am always honored to stand by a friend on her biggest day! And I know they will do the same for me one day! This wedding totally rocked by the way.

 

As many of my fellow ladies will agree, I've become quite skilled in the role of bridesmaid and celebrating others life choices (more on this later) but as I'm getting older I find the single pool at these functions to be shrinking by the minute. I had to recap a recent wedding I was in where it proved to be a weekend of reminders of how life would just be more simple with a boyfriend (please note the tongue and cheek humor of this blog title) so I just had to share.

• Even numbers are the norm. Yes, on Friday night at the rehearsal dinner I was forced to drag a chair across a crowded dining room and to pull up and squeeze myself into a spot for a four top to sit with two couples who took pity on me since there were no “odd” tables. I hope no one minded having a table leg in between their legs during dinner
• Having to tell the spray tan girl, nail girl, hair girls and makeup guy that "No, I was not married, did not have a boyfriend and would be attending the wedding alone".
• Why did the wedding planner/organizer put me with the shortest groomsman? Seriously? I was the second tallest girl in the wedding party and there were five boys over six feet tall but I get the 5’ 8” guy. WTF. Throw me a bone here!
• We were allowed to choose our own dresses and I ended up with the only one like mine (score!) and don't get me wrong it was really cute but my sister pointed out after the wedding that mine was by far the shortest of all the other girls (oops - point deducted). Great, not only am I the only single one but now apparently I've dressed like a hoochie mama. Add that to the list - hoochie mama bridesmaid. Geez.
• I was desperately begging my sister to please stay and not leave the wedding as I wouldn’t have anyone to dance with because she was my dance partner – haha. Actually, a lot of people danced so it was way fun but the Cavett sisters know how to break it down.
• Avoiding the bride's crazy aunt (love ya FeFe) who asked me at the shower if I was married and when I said no looked at me with disgust and asked if I was “at least going with someone”. I just didn’t have the heart to tell her no this time so I avoided her.
• Since I was the only “single” bridesmaid I could not have my boyfriend/husband drop me off Saturday morning to get ready so therefore I was the only one with a car so was then forced into having to take my car to the venue (which I did not want to do), move it from the venue after the wedding to the bar (which I really didn’t want to do especially since the bar is called “The Double Wide” and is actually a doublewide trailer turned into a bar and is in a really sketchy part of town), and leave it overnight where someone hoodlum thought it would be funny to let the air out of my tires which was a lovely surprise when my sister drove me to my car the following morning.
• Per the story above, since I had no boyfriend/husband to help with the aforementioned situation I was forced to be resourceful and looked up options on Auto Zone online, talked to a very nice man named Jose at the Auto Zone in the ghetto by the bar (where the aisle names and descriptions are listed in Spanish as well as English), and bought myself a tire air compressor and new tire valve caps and spent 30 minutes in the rain and mud pumping my tires back up. And turns out the hoodlum actually poked nails in my tires which caused me to spend two lovely afternoons that week at the local Discount Tire buying new tires. Silver lining - theboys at the tire shop were very nice and paid attention to me. haha.

 

In all honestly, I threw a pity party for myself on Thursday and Friday but Saturday was actually a great day and the wedding was SUPER fun. I did meet a single boy at the end of the wedding on the dance floor (who knew?) who was very fun and nice and we were up until 5am making out after the bar (PG ladies…I kept it classy…and by classy I mean that my hair extensions and fake eyelashes may have been falling off by the end of it all. No really, all clothes stayed on J). He actually texted me the next day to check if I needed a ride to my car - who said chivalry was gone!

Working 9 to 5: To My Fellow Working Women

I was recently promoted - new title, big salary bump, higher bonus percentage, the works! And I gotta tell you it feels good. But I gotta tell you something else. I didn't get it just because I'm super awesome at my job, and I am of course. I got it because I asked for it.

Lesson #1: Ask and You Shall Receive

Not always, but what is the harm in asking!?!?! Everyone knows that women typically make less money than men because they don't ask! Not because men are smarter, tougher or better but because they have the figurative balls to ask for what they want and deserve. Seriously, ladies. It is 2012 (almost 2013!) - the era of women asking for what they want and taking control of their own lives (in bed, at home and in the workplace!). You don't have to let your balls hang out of your skirt but you can be just as aggressive as a man and make your case for what you deserve. You can do it!

Lesson #2: Build Your Case

I've been doing this since my very first "real" job. Every "good job" or "thanks so much" email I receive from my boss, a coworker or client - I save in a special file. You never know when you might need back up or proof of your awesomeness so be sure to document all the accolades you receive so you can have them in your back pocket if need be. Building a case also applies to those sticky situations where you may be having issues with a colleague or even your boss. Keep it all in writing. If you have a meeting where you both agree to certain deliverables and timelines, write a re-cap email and send to the others to document what was agreed upon. Again - if anyone tries to throw you under the bus (and trust me, they will at some point in your career) then you have documentation that you held up your end of the bargain. Cover your bases!

Lesson #3: Performance Reviews are Your Friend

I know many people who are just terrified of performance review time (if they get one at all). Don't run away from it - embrace it! Performance Reviews are not just a time for your boss to decide if you get a merit increase or bonus and assign you some random rating that is supposed to summarize an entire year of effort. They are also YOUR chance to remind your boss of all your accomplishments, additional work you took on during the year and share with them your career aspirations and goals for the upcoming year.

Prepare! Prepare! Prepare! Similar to Lesson #2, you should be updating your goals throughout the year so you will be ready to sum it all up during performance review time. If you aren't having regular 1:1's with your boss, schedule them yourself. Connecting just once a month to discuss current projects, accomplishments, and future workload will help you ensure you are meeting their expectations for you and give you the opportunity to remind them how valuable you are all year long instead of just at the end! And remember that your boss most likely has multiple direct reports and a ton on their own plate so they need the reminder to fully assess your body of work. Don't think of it has bragging but of owning your work. You deserve it!

Lesson #4: Dress For Success

Even though it is almost 2013 there are still some double-standards in the workplace for us as women. You can't win them all so learn to live within it. You have to find a balance with your style in the office - professional but not stuffy or unattractive but cute and classy but not too provocative. It's a tough line ladies. Here is the deal - for the male audience you must find the balance of being attractive enough for them to pay attention to you but not too attractive that they are distracted by you and don't respect you. For your female colleagues - you have to be attractive and polished enough to earn their respect as a fellow woman but not too attractive or pretty to be viewed as threatening and provoke jealousy. Ultimately, what matters most is the level of work you produce and if you sound intelligent and competent when you open your mouth but let's face it, it might take people a while to catch on to what you are saying and respect you professionally if you look like you just climbed down off the stage after working the pole. Keep it classy ladies.

Lesson #5: Junior High Lasts Forever

My Mom used to tell me this all the time as I was growing up. No matter what age you are, you will find yourself in a junior-high-drama scenario every now and then. I think you know this but I'll just say it. Women are catty. It never goes away and you will have days where you just wish you worked with all men so you wouldn't have to "play the game" with the other women in the office. I don't have any real advice here except to not be surprised when you can't understand why your female colleague didn't invite you to lunch yesterday or took your favorite pen. It happens. Deal with it. And try your best to stay out of it. My goal is typically to be cool enough for the "in crowd" to where they like me and I'm not the topic of their gossip but on the outer circle enough to where I'm not involved in the gossiping and back-stabbing and can sleep at night :-)

Lesson #6: The Generation Gap is Real

I recently attended a workshop that focused on the state of the workplace nowadays and it was mind blowing. Historically, this is the first time EVER that we have had this many generations working at the same time - in some organizations there may be up to five generations on one team! I can read the research all day long but let me tell you I have lived this one ladies. Thirty years (hell even 10 years!) can make a BIG difference in how a person communicates and the battle between old school vs. new school ways of thinking is alive and well. Email vs. Phone calls, Excel Files vs. Notes, Online Systems vs. Manual Files  - it's a mess! Not to mention the differing views on vacation, flexible work schedules, blackberry's and dress code. But we all have to come to an agreement to work together and get things done. My best advice here is to always consider your audience. If a more tenured colleague barely ever emails you but typically comes by your desk show them the same courtesy and chances are you will get more from them in that 5-10 minute face-to-face conversation than pinging them every day on email. If your millennial new hire asks for time off around the holidays and then submits a PTO request for three weeks you will need to have a conversation about expectations that you assumed were known by all of your employees. You may have to step outside of YOUR comfort zone to connect with others. Conquer the gap and learn to navigate multi-generational workforce!

Lesson #7: Dipping Your Pen in the Company Ink

Or I suppose for us it is better said as "letting your ink be dipped by the company pen" :-). I can honestly say that I have never engaged in a workplace romance or office fling. Sure I've worked with fun, good-looking men but I've honestly never had a romantic thought about anyone I've worked with and I can't really say whether there hasn't been a connection or whether I am so shut off to the idea that a connection wouldn't happen anyway. So, since I have no experience here I will tell you what I have learned by observation. This is typically not a good plan. I have witnessed a few successful, long-term relationships that started in the cubicles but one half of the couple usually ended up finding other employment fairly early in the relationship to avoid the office romance label. There are just SO many things that can go wrong (secrets, judgement, fights, break ups, etc) and not to mention many companies have a policy against it! I would tread carefully here, make a list of pros vs. cons before engaging in anything with a coworker or perhaps change jobs. But in the end ask yourself - Is it worth it?

Fake Dating = Real Breakup

It was Saturday night and as I found myself text-fighting my ex who I was fake dating (it is a mouthful, right?) I knew it had to end. What I didnt realize about fake dating is to end it requires a real breakup. BOO! Here is how I got into this mess and my warning to you so that you may avoid finding yourself in your very own fake relationship.

So this summer was a busy one for me - a few trips, a lot of social events and increased responsibility at work, therefore, there wasn't a lot of time left for dating. So I did what any woman who finds herself in an empty bed at the end of a busy work day or after a few cocktails - I dipped into my reserves. Well, let's be honest, first I got a new vibrator and THEN I circled back to the old flame. 

Earlier in the year I found myself dating a boy, er, young man, er man who was five years my junior :-). As you know, I'm in my thirties which makes him in his twenties now let's factor in the additional years of maturity or lack thereof that typically separates a man and woman and I'm dating a high school freshman. Haha. I won't get too much into it but we dated for a few months and then mutually ended it as he wasn't ready for a serious, responsible, adult relationship (no he wasn't a player he just wasnt ready to pay his bills on time or stop sneaking free soda at the fountain after he asked for water at restaurants) and I was unwilling to re-live my twenties for the next five years. Been there, done that. We remained friends and had the occasional happy hour or lunch until we re-connected at a fourth of July party and then found ourselves meeting up every few weeks and eventually scheduling weekly dates, not booty calls, but actual dates with dinner, conversation, snuggles and slumber parties. 

If you are like me, it's difficult to date more than one man in any serious way (not booty calls ladies - those still get a green light!) as you become too emotionally invested and you are spendng all your time texting, calling, thinking about and being with this one man! So back to the Saturday night where I was out with my friends and should have been enjoying myself and possibly meeting new prospects but instead am face down in my IPhone text-fighting my ex who I am fake dating. Noooooo! How did I get here? Very quickly and pretty darn easily so beware ladies!

Now for the breakup. As I was preparing for the conversation with my friends as all we all do, an interesting question was posed to me. Did HE know that we were fake dating? Oh crap. Another curveball I did not see coming! Surprise surprise, he did not! He considered us real dating which was more cause for concern about the things we had been fighting about. This boy clearly didn't know what dating was so it confirmed the need to close the curtain on us even moreso. Just like the first time it was the easiest breakup ever (Thank God) as we agreed nothing had changed since last time so we were going no where, however he was very happy with our current relationship (of course he was as there was no accountability or work involved for him) but I declined to continue the fiasco in the making that was our fake relationship. Back to friendship we went.

Moral of the story is: it's okay to do what you gotta do to satisfy a need whether it be a good roll in the hay or some cuddle time on the couch but keep it at arms length, or make that triple arms length as that is what tends to get us in trouble! But BEWARE and dont get yourself too far into something unhealthy or distracting. Be honest with yourself. Own your decisions. And don't settle! You won't change him. If he says he doesn't want a girlfriend, that may be true but more importantly he doesn't want it to be you. He will continue to sleep with you and hang out with you without committing IF you let him.  If he doesn't call, he doesn't want to. In this scenario for me, I wanted more and deserved more from a relationship so I cut the cord and am hopeful to find what's right for me soon. 

Here's to REAL relationships ladies! We can do it!