My Mom once told me when I was very young that at the end of your life when you look back on it and the people in it you will most likely be able to count your true and lifelong friends on one hand. At grade school age this sounded ridiculous as I was still at the stage where my best friend changed daily and every girl in my class was invited to my birthday party. But as I got older I started to understand what she meant. She wasn't saying that I wouldn't have many, many friends throughout my life or that I was going to die alone or anything but she was simply saying that there will be few who are there through it all and who are the type of friend you can count on no matter what and trust beyond a doubt.
Fast forward to my early 20's. I had just gotten out of a tumultuous, ridiculously dramatic, verbally abusive, horrible relationship. Problem was that our relationship was in the center of our huge group of friends. Even though our said friends were behind me 100% in terms of our breakup - telling me I deserved better, he was crazy, etc. when the you-know-what hit the fan and it was really over they expected me to act as if nothing was wrong and continue hanging out as usual. This was incredibly difficult at the time because for the past year I had been with my boyfriend and our mutual friends almost every single day. We did everything together - camping trips, Friday nights at the bar, Sunday football watching, sports leagues, birthdays, etc. So, with the demise of my relationship came a choice I had to make - my friends or me. I had not seen this coming.
Fast forward another year or so to my counselors office during one of our sessions (FYI I’m a huge proponent of therapy. Try it). I had recently decided to go back to her after trying to get over this insane breakup for almost a year to no avail. For the most part, I had left behind the majority of those so-called mutual friends as I had to choose myself and they weren't willing to split time between the two of us and stand by me as a friend. As I discussed this with my counselor, we came up with a theory that changed my life and that I have shared with many friends since.
Introducing the Cake Tier Theory of Friendship. When you think about all of the people in your life, they most likely play different roles. You may have the fun friend that plans exciting and fun adventures for you and your friends and who you can always count on for a good time. You probably have your wise friend who always seems to know what to say and gives you great advice no matter what the issue. Then you might have a thoughtful friend - who sends you cards or gifts not just on your birthday but when they saw something that reminded them of you. And some friends might wear all of these hats at once. You probably have a lot of friends who you see regularly but it is usually in a group setting and you probably wouldn't necessarily call them in a time of need. Point is - there are several definitions of the word "friend" and as you and your friends move through life, circumstances and people change, so each friends role might change as well. If you think of all those definitions and categories of friends, consider them tiers of a cake. At any given time in your life, you may only have 1-2 people in the top tier. Those are the closest to you, they know you the best, you would call them in a heartbeat with good or bad news, you can count on them, trust them and they would literally do anything for you. Your other friends are dispersed in other tiers and represent different levels of friendship to you at the time. Now, placement in a certain tier isn't a tatoo on your friends forehead for all eternity as people can move up and down the tiers over the years. And keep in mind the reversal. You play a role in each of your friends lives as well and there is no way you could possibly be a Top Tier friend to EVERY single person in your life. Not possible. So, the point is there is nothing wrong with people not in the top tier. You can't be everything to everyone!
The main reason this was so helpful to me is it helped me manage expectations of others and avoid constant disappointment when a friend made a decision or choice I didn't understand or agree with. If you appropriately categorize and accept the role a particular friend plays in your life then you know them and love them as they are and you won't expect things from them that they can't give you. If you have a friend who you adore and love dearly but they are flakey as hell and cancel on you at least three times before you finally get together - so be it! But if you held them to the standards of your clock-watching punctual friend you would be devastated and angry with each cancellation. Point is, since you know what to expect you can brush it off and know that it is nothing personal but just the way they are and you can love them anyway. Does every single one of your friends text or call you on your birthday? Probably not. Some friends are GREAT at birthdays but others don't have a calendar or Facebook and couldn't tell you the date if they had a gun to their head. So, who cares.
Remember the flip side, could you remember everything and every moment in the life of every person you call a friend? No way! So, love yourself and your friends for who they are! Each of us plays a special part in each other’s lives that may last three months, three years or three decades.
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